Cum While Driving

Cum While Driving

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Email I don’t mean to brag, but I’m quite the experienced masturbator. Not just doing it but discussing, writing, and theorizing about it too. For example, I still maintain that masturbation is nothing like sex and everything like eating McDonald’s. Welcome to the chamber of secrets. An American pastime.

Secret 1. We’ve all been caught. By someone: a parent, a sibling, a roommate, or, for two of my friends respectively, the exterminator or the mailman. I’m no exception: One time in high school, I was blasting a video through my headphones late at night—until I realized the headphones were unplugged. Woke the entire house, I’m sure. Secret 2. We’ve all done it with weird stuff. We’re curious creatures by nature. That’s why all guys experiment with a myriad of lubricants. What kinds, you ask?

Walk into your bathroom, and take note of any liquid, gel, or aerosol the TSA would require in 3. Do the same in your bedroom. Now in your garage. Now in your kitchen don’t forget to open the fridge. He’s tried all of those. We’ve all done it to weird stuff. The Internet is the easy choice for visual stimulation, but many times, it’s not an option. Maybe he doesn’t have time. Or privacy. Or Wi-Fi. But, as any guy will tell you, the show must go on.

That’s why we get resourceful. And by "resourceful," I mean desperate. If there’s no Victoria’s Secret catalog, we’ll settle for the Lands’ End catalog. There’s the middle-aged woman on the box of Special K who lost six pounds in two weeks with the Special K challenge! There are, as per Grandma’s Boy , action figures. Sexy Svedka robots. A bottle of Mrs. Secret 4: We’ve all done it in weird—and sometimes dangerous and sometimes illegal—places.

Of this list, I’m done 50 percent—and lived to tell about it. Secret 5: We all do it before we see you. Like, immediately before, sometimes kind of during. I’ve pretended not to hear my apartment buzz or my phone ring. I have left good friends and girlfriends waiting outside in the cold so I could finish.

Maybe you’re going on a date or just hanging as friends. It really doesn’t matter: Guys will get off directly before seeing you, if for no other reason, so he can function and have a real conversation like a human being. Then, when you show up, he’s nervous because he thinks that somehow you’ll know. Of course, you never do. Except, um, until now. Anything surprise you here? Have other questions about guys’ masturbatory practices? It would be my—ahem—pleasure to answer them. Ask below or tweet at me.

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